Joan Laporta exclusive

Sources close to this blog can exclusively reveal that Joan Laporta's wife has some very harsh things to say about her husband. His wife started off with some very blunt words about the size of Joan's maggot sized manhood:

"It is very small, when I first unveiled his little fella I had to first clear the small forest of hair before I could see the true extent of Joan's weener, then again he does have a woman's name so it really isn't that surprising and it is quite big for a clitoris"

She then went on to reveal just why she had tied the knot with this repulsive greedy individual:

"Well it's certainly not his looks or personality, he works hard and brings home a lot of money, the fact that he works so hard also means that I very rarely have to see his unpleasant face or smell his odious aroma"

Then moving onto talk about Joan's strange habits of behaving like an utter c*nt and always trying to get exactly what he wants the way he wants it, she said:

"The other day we went out for dinner and Joan refused to pay the price on the menu for his steak, he thought it was only worth half as much. However when the chef came out and threatened to retrieve the unpaid half of the steak from his stomach with a large blunt knife, Joan pissed his pants and paid up"

Those final comments from Joan's wife explain why Joan is behaving like such a c*nt regarding Cesc Fabregas. As Joan Laporta publicly thanks Cesc for openly declaring he wants to join Barca, incidentally something Cesc has never done, I would like to publicly say thanks to Joan Laporta for being a complete and utter c*nt. Joan, my message for you is pay up or shut up you contemptible piece of sh*t.

Cesc bottom line: still a Gooner

I got a fair amount of abuse for my recent piece slagging off the media for the rumours on Cesc's future, some people seemed to think that Cesc going to Barca was a done deal. It appears that Cesc is still an Arsenal player and that Barca will definitely not be signing Cesc on the cheap. Recent comments from Cesc show him to be showing a hell of a of class:

“I will only say one thing, I have great respect for Arsene Wenger, for Arsenal football club and for the Arsenal fans. Sometimes not even in my house I felt more love than I felt at Arsenal.”

“I had a long conversation with Arsene, it was probably the greatest conversation I’ve had with someone in my life and I respect him so much and I don’t want to say too much about this.”

“He told me to concentrate on my football, he told me to concentrate on the World Cup, he told me to leave it in his hands, he will deal with whatever happens in my future and that’s what I’m doing, just concentrating on football.”

“It’s not up to me anymore and it’s just now about Arsenal and wherever it has to be and that’s it.”

It appears to me that the worst case scenario at the moment is that Arsene has told Cesc he can only leave if Barca pay a proper transfer fee. At the moment is appears highly unlikely that Barca have the money to pay what Arsenal want and that means that Cesc may well be staying put.

Obviously the media are still spinning things with headlines like 'Fabregas' frank Wenger talk reveals Arsenal exit '. However there are some rather worrying sides of the story from a Barca perspective, there is a possibility that Barca will be told to sod off whatever their offer.

One thing is clear, Cesc Fabregas is a man of class, he will not openly seek a transfer as the scoundrels from Barca would like him to do, this would make it easy for Barca to snatch him for a cut price fee. Barca have shown themselves to be a bunch of utter c*nts throughout this affair. Arsene has also come out of this with a lot of credit, not many managers have his man management skills, another thing that is clear is that he has never stood in the way of a player who wants to leave. Cesc's dad is behaving like a tool, Arsenal are not obliged to sell their captain on the cheap, long term contracts cannot just be pissed on and ignored.

We have no need to sell Cesc, he is in his prime, has several years left on his contract, we do not need the cash. The way in which they have publicly tried to unsettle the player to drop the fee is a disgrace. I suspect it will take at least 50 million to get Arsenal to talk and which doubt if the paupers from Barca with their 400million debts have got what it takes to pay a fair fee. If they don't have the money then they should shut the f*ck up.

Cesc nonsense and crying wolf

It's a bit like the boy who cried wolf, the rumour mongers and gossip lovers will often turn out to get it right every now and again, however when one looks at their overall accuracy and hit rate one should appreciate it is a bit like striking oil by drilling at random, the Cesc rumours circulating at the moment are part of this same old story. Likewise I will sometimes turn out to be wrong when I slag off all the transfer rumours, still I get it right with this approach a hell of a lot more often than the rumour mongers do. Hold tight for the moment.

One thing we know, Barca want Cesc. A second thing we know, Barca are c*nts. Putting one and two together, you can then start to see why the Spanish media is full of rehashed quotes and stories with no decent evidence to back them up. This is the case with the current Cesc story in Marca. It is baseless gossip, there is not even one made up quote, not even one source mentioned. This is most likely something planted to serve the interests of Barca and unsettled the player. Sky and many others have rehashed the same old baseless story, Cesc is 'understood' to have et cetera.

Maybe I'll turn out to look a complete and utter mug when Cesc signs for Barca next week, hopefully not. What is clear is the fact that you can believe nothing you read in the papers these days and I am surprised that so many people continue to be genuinely sucked in by their hot air. The boy who cried wolf was eventually right, still it didn't mean you should have always believed him when he screamed 'Wolf!'

Wenger a 'deluded dictator'

The title of this piece is not my opinion, they are the words of a well known self anointed 'Arsenal expert' who shall remain nameless. I will not link to his site as he does not deserve the publicity, and I am sure many of you will know exactly who I am talking about. Here are some of his most recent gems of footballing wisdom:

"Wenger no longer deserves to have Fabregas playing for him. Fabregas should leave and win 12 trophies with Barca."

"Arsenal is going nowhere under Wenger, a delusional dictator. I have no more to say about the team."

"So many other things to enjoy : music, literature, art, cricket, tennis, golf, alfresco dining and a million other pleasures and pastimes.On Saturday I was a bit knackered after 2,000 of us had a rocking Friday night with the Alabama 3 at the Forum in Kentish Town.Last Tuesday night I went with an actor friend to see One Night in Turin."

There is much worse, there has been some rather racist stuff, there has been the know-it-all stuff, and over the years it has become more and more sensationalist. The reason for this? Well, I suspect someone is getting a bit desperate, the increased sensationalism is because no one would bother reading it otherwise, it is almost the dying whimper from a rather self obsessed individual.

I suspect someone knows a lot more about art, literature and music than he does about football. I also suspect that someone has never played football at any level themselves but feels able to comment as if a world expert. Writing books does not an expert make, it makes an author, there are many good and many bad.

Maybe I just speak for myself, however I suspect I do not. I think someone would be better off stopping his Arsene Wenger and Arsenal related writing, if he himself admits he has nothing more to say then why does he not just shut up for once and for all. I have had enough of this brash, self obsessed and deeply arrogant man. Everyone is entitled to their differing opinions, however the rank lack of respect he shows to our manager is a disgrace. This individual is the Piers Morgan of the Arsenal bloggosophere, a man who thinks he knows it all, a man who shows very little respect for others, an arrogant and rather repugnant individual.

Lampard dives and Chelsea prove winning isn't everything

Chelsea have won the double and credit where credit is due, they have deserved it. Firstly their manager is a good chap and deserves a lot of credit for the way he has gone about his business this season, it has been quite out of character for Chelsea FC. Secondly in pure footballing terms they have been the best team in the country, they are hard to break down and have some top class attacking players. Anyway enough of the praise, despite their success there is a malignant undercurrent at Stamford Bridge and it has been the case ever since a certain oligarch started artificially pumping millions into this small west London club.

The way their players have gone about their business on and off the pitch this season has been a shambles to say the least, John Terry is the tip of a very very embarrassing Chelsea iceberg. In recent weeks we have seen Drogba's petulance, Lampard's squabbling and diving, Cole's niggling, Anelka's whinging, Terry's breeding and family show. This bunch will never be popular in the eyes of neutral football fans, they will never be remembered fondly as all round great players and good men, they did the former and forgot about the latter, they won things but didn't do it with class, they have shown to me and many others that there is much much more to life than simply winning things and short term achievement, the way one goes about things is infinitely important and Chelsea have forgotten this. From Abrahmovich to Kenyon, from Drogba to Cole, Chelsea have the win at all costs mentality, this is true, but at what cost?

In contrast Pompey are another story and perversely the way in which Roman's money has resulted in hyper-inflationary transfer fee and wage rises has been a big part in clubs like Portsmouth going under. Of course they also have themselves to blame for some woeful financial mismanegement. The Chelseas and Man Cities of this world have chucked millions around and it comes at a price, other clubs have tried to compete, but the results are unsustainable and many clubs are dying as a result. Arguably the game we love is a at risk of losing its heart, its soul, as a result of this wanton spending at the top.

Surely something must be down to stop the unsustainable loss making spending that some clubs are engaging in, the beauty of winning is being lost, winning at any cost does not make sense for the long term interests of the game. Chelsea may be thriving but the game we love is not, clubs with big hearts and great fans like Pompey are withering away before our very eyes. So this year Chelsea win the double, but they continue to make massive losses, while record numbers of clubs go into administration, is it just me who thinks something is going badly wrong here? For me everything come at a price, winning is not the be all and end all, the process is all important, if we lost sight of this fact then we will have a game left but it will have no soul, and a game with no soul is lifeless.

Gallas concerns and the not concerned

It has been long known that William Gallas is a bit of an odd one, it has also been well documented that he has had serious problems getting on with some of his team mates, Samir Nasri's comments from the Sun add fuel to this fire:

"I don't communicate with him, but I'm not the only one at Arsenal who doesn't have any communication with him. We are four or five, but that doesn't stop us fighting for each other on the pitch."

This must have been obvious to the manager for some time. I have to disagree with Samir Nasri on this not affecting the team's spirit and fight, it is obvious that a team made up of players who get on well with each other is more likely to succeed than a team made up of players who do not get on. Gallas should not be offered a new contract in my opinion, the man is trouble and does not complement Vermaelen. We need a new partner for TV and we should not ignore such dressing room clashes, it is madness to have players getting on so badly. Adebayor's departure clearly helped, I feel Gallas' departure would be more of the same.

As I mentioned the other day, the Cesc rumours were complete and utter nonsense. The quotes made no sense and were openly contradictory. Do not pay any attention to this unsubstantiated gutter journalism. Seeing as I'm ignoring transfer rumours this summer, I'll leave it there and wish Pompey good luck this afternoon, I am sure the whole country will be behind them other than a few drug dealers and shop lifters.

The talks is there, now for some action, and well done Fulham FC

It's hard to disagree with Arsene's recent thoughts on the season gone:

"If you divide the season into two – going forward we have done very well but defensively we have been average....When you concede 40 goals you don't win the championship and I want to rectify that. My transfer policy this summer will be to keep our strengths going forward, add one player, and add more defensive strength to our team."

Among the players linked are Breda Hangeland and Pape Diakhate, I am sure these are just guesses though, I doubt that many people know who Arsene has his eye on. Interestingly and thankfully Bob Wilson is pretty sure a top class experienced keeper is on Arsene's shopping list.

Overall I think we need to get rid of a keeper, bring in one top class keeper with experience. We need a minimum of one experienced centre back who is first team ready. Silvestre is off, greedy Gallas is as good as gone, so even with Djourou back I think we need at least one, arguably two more centre backs, it also depends if big Sol is keen to stay for another year. Hangeland is a solid contender in my eyes, he ticks a lot of the boxes in terms of experience, strength, ability on the ball and leadership. Chamakh gives us more striking options and I would be very surprised if one of Eduardo/Vela did not leave. Several other players must be also rather close to the exit door. We should not forget some of the great talent we have coming through from the youth setup in the form of Gibbs, Wilshere, Bartley, JET, Lansbury, Frimpong, Eastmond, Szcezny et al

Personally I find all the transfer rumour is a bit tedious, so I won't be indulging in much of it here, just a few bits and bobs as I see fit. Useless stories like this Cesc one predominate, the quotes make no sense and are completely contradictory, we should rise above this guff and take most of it with a pinch of salt. I will concentrate on exposing idiocy and following the actual footballing action going on this summer, including the World Cup. Speaking of the World Cup, it looks very open, Spain must be the favourites but with several of their key men lacking fitness, it could be a very open competition indeed, the likes of Italy and Argentina may be decent outside bets.

Finally a word for Fulham who did the country proud last night. They were very unlucky to go down to Atletico in the end, the manner of the defeat was particularly painful and must have been very hard to take for all Fulham fans. They were magnificent, despite playing against a team of better players, they showed just what commitment and teamwork can make up for, their work ethic and togetherness combined with their great resilience is an example some of our own players could do well to learn from. Roy Hodgson has done a wonder job at the cottage, he has made a team that is far greater than the sum of its parts, this is the mark of a truly outstanding manager. Well done and Fulham FC, you did us all proud last night, it's a great shame you didn't get the icing on your cake.

Aren't Spuds fans bitter?

In response to this rather low brow piece of writing from a Spud, I thought the obvious question should be asked. This is because in all my years as a Gooner I have never really noticed Arsenal fans being bitter towards Spurs, it has been far more the other way around.

In fact I would hold very little against Tottenham if their fans were modest and they had some vaguely realistic expectations at the beginning of every season. Over the last few close seasons we have never heard the end of endless Tottenham talk of the great season ahead, why not have a bit of modesty and keep your predictions in perspective? Is it any wonder that Arsenal fans are fed up to the back teeth of these tiring delusions of grandeur. Like the boy who cried wolf I am sure Spurs will finish above us eventually and then the Spuds will never shut up, forgetting the umpteen times they have got it wrong in seasons before.

Why should we congratulate Spuds as if they have won the league title when they have not? They have never congratulated us when we have achieved far more than 4th spot in the league, in fact why are they not congratulating us, we finished above them with a significantly cheaper squad?

This is the classic double standards of a foolish Spud. If you live by the sword then you shall die by it Sir Spud. If you never praise the others that you so love to criticise, why expect these people to praise you when you have done so little? If you always arrogantly boast of how well you will do and it never materialises, why expect respect and dignity to be shown to you when you show it to no one else?

I recently wrote to criticise the Premiership Manager of the season award going to Harry Redknapp, what a surprise that numerous Spuds replied ignoring the clear fact that Roy Hodgson deserved the award far more than Harry Redknapp. I was not criticising Redknapp or his achievement, I was just putting it in perspective as it should be, interestingly the Manager's Manager of the year was Hodgson, at least someone got it right. Pot calling the kettle black, Spuds calling Gooners bitter? I think so.

In summary I'm not trying to knock Spurs achievements last season, they have improved and deserve a lot of credit for this. However their fans would do well to realise that their bitter behaviour over recent decades has not gone ignored. Many other smaller clubs' fans have managed to act with much more decorum and grace in Arsenal's shadow in recent years, Spuds fans would have done well to have followed their example. Suddenly jumping on a high horse at the first opportune moment and trying to knock others is rather typical of them I feel.

End of season feel

The game never felt like a proper competitive match, with Fulham awaiting the UEFA cup final and our title hopes long gone, the only thing to play for was finishing above Harry Redknapp's incredibly over hyped and rated Spuds eleven, even they couldn't push it to the wire losing a two goal lead hilariously against Burnley.

Fulham were never really in the game, despite Fabianski's woeful efforts to help them into it, if Arsene persists with this Pole then I really do despair at his judgement, he is clearly not up to it. Eboue was magnificent in central midfield, Diaby solid, Nasri industrious, Arshavin and Walcott frustratingly erratic as ever. RVP gave us teeth up front and on another day would have had a hat full. A massive bonus was Johan Djourou's return, he looked fit and strong, if he can stay that way then he can be like a big new signing for us. Lansbury showed some potential with his late substitute appearance.

Like the season, there was good and bad, the stronger and the weak, some players were clearly up for the task, others still have significant question marks hanging over their heads. Obviously its great to finish above the Spuds, but in truth they were very very lucky to have pushed us so close, in reality we have been considerably better then them over the season, in a way that I would acknowledge Chelsea have been considerably better than us. If Harry Redknapp deserves manager of the season, then Lucasz Fabianski deserves Arsenal player of the season, the lame comments from various Spuds fans to try to justify the award were nothing but stupid and short sighted, several other managers have done far better then Redknapp this year, in fact Arsene Wenger has arguably done a lot more with a squad that cost considerably less than the Spuds' squad, something a lot of their cretinous fans would do well to appreciate.

Anyway enough said for this year, the spending starts with Chamakh, it then needs to continue with a goalkeeper and at least one centre back, I'd also love to Sol kept on for another year, I'd also like to see a bit of dead wood moved on elsewhere. Anyways here's to another season of great football and what might have been, we should appreciate what we have got rather than what we do not have because there are many many others who would kill to have even half of it.

Fulham points importance and Redknapp nonsense

As Arseblogger notes this morning, at last Arsene is acknowledging the problems we have defensively as a team, this has been the reason for us falling short this season. Certain players look like they are going, such as Gallas and Silvestre, others have a lot to prove and a lot of fans will feel they should also be moving on. On this list of players who should be worried I'd have Fabianski, Traore, Eduardo, Vela and Rosicky. Today is important and everyone knows why, there's no need to tempt fate by going on about it.

Now, one thing is certain and that is the fact that Harry Redknapp winning manager of the season is a complete and utter joke. The man has spent a lot of money, maybe not as much as City, and they have done what? Yes, that's it, they've qualified for the Champions League, and they have been miles away from the league title.

The media have shown their true baised pro-Spuds colours in the last few days in massively over reacting to this non event. The media have reacted as if the Spuds had won the league title. Redknapp has a very expensive sqaud and what he has achieved is nothing compared to what Roy Hodgson has done at Fulham. Even David Moyes has done a much better job relative to Redknapp with his modest resources. Yet despite this non event, we've been subjected to the endless rambling of various retarded Spuds luvvies about what a great side they are and what a great achievement it is for them.

Funny how Arsene does more than Redknapp without spending as much money and these luvvies never feel the need to show any love to Arsene. It is very strange that the Spuds' English spine is now the reason for their great success, funny that the fact they haven't won the league for many decades is never linked to this magnificent English spine. The Spuds' eleven is lined with multi-million pound players, what Redknapp has achieved is moderate at best. Hodgson should be manager of the year and that fact he is not is an utter disgrace. Several morons in the media have shown their rank bias by reacting in this way to this non event, the BBC and several other media outlets seem to have quite a few Spuds fans in their midst pretending to objectively cover things when nothing could be further from the truth.

Deflated and defeated by dishonest tactics

I think I'm feeling like a lot of Gooners today, I have just lost the energy to get angry about another disappointing defeat. The Holic sums things up nicely and I can't disagree with a word he says.

The game summed up just what we lack to the title this year, even Arsene admitted that we lacked the sharpness in the fight and that's a worrying admission. Atkinson was appalling, he completely failed to clamp down on the systematic violence and cheating from Blackburn.

Both Blackburn goals came after clear fouls on Fabianski. A stronger bigger keeper may well have done better to push the cheating Blackburn players out the way, but still Fabianski shouldn't have had to endure the systematic fouling off the ball that he did.

Blackburn are summed up well by Pedersen. On one hand they will dive and cheat at one end to win free kicks, while on the other they will try to break your legs quite deliberately and injure maliciously. Sam Allardyce is what is wrong with English football, this is England if you like, long ball hoofing, diving and cheating, combined with some disgraceful thuggery and violence. Blackburn are nothing but scum.

Having said that we were lacking in several departments. We need to be more physical and strong at the back to resist the assaults that the likes of Blackburn will launch upon us. We need to fight the battle better all over the pitch, not only in defence but in the midfield and up front, we need more commitment and more desire. Arseblogger summed up what we lacked nicely, it is particularly depressing that the likes of Vela and Traore do not show more hunger when they come into the side, if they cannot show hunger now, will they ever?

This season is in danger of completely falling apart, defeat to Fulham could result in the unthinkable. What remains clear is that some big changes are needed in the summer, and this may well be the last chance saloon.

Injuries, Blackburn and non commitment

Just looking at our injury list it does strike home just how many players we have been missing at times this year, it's quite incredible really. We've so rarely had a run of playing anything like our first team that it has made things tricky, I do hope that we are very careful to avoid buying any injury prone players in the future though, this would be suicidal.

Blackburn will not make life easy for us, in other words they are a typical bunch of Allardyce thugs, they will dive and cheat to win free kicks in the final third, they will try to injure us when they have the chance, they are very much a fat Sam sculpture like his old Bolton side, the longer he is there the more his team will come to resemble a group of cannibalistic convicts. Maybe that's a tad harsh, but I have never had much time for fat Sam, he sums up a lot that is wrong with English football with the way he sets his teams up.

Fabianski is running out of time, I think Arsene is being a tad optimistic by calling his performance against City a good reaction, he didn't have much to do, and invariably when he has had much to do this season, he has been found badly wanting. He'll get a proper testing at Blackburn today given that Mikel Silvestre is likely to be in front of him at centre back.

There has been a lot of gossip about Andrei Arshavin in recent days, I suspect a lot of it is utter nonsense, however if we do have any players who are anything less than 100% committed to the club then I want to see them shipped out in the summer. We cannot be doing with anymore slacking from uncommitted players who want to be elsewhere.

'Midfield has not been the problem'?

These are the Arsene's words and I feel that I am not alone in finding these quotes more than a little worrying:

"I believe the midfield was not a problem this year because we created so many chances from midfield and we dominated nearly all the games in midfield. I don’t think we had a big problem in there. I believe we had a problem of efficiency defensively."

One can't disagree that we have had a lot of possession and that we have dominated a lot of games if one sees possession in midfield as an end point. Unfortunately you do not win games as a result of possession, you need to score more goals with the ball that you do have and make sure that you stop the opponent from scoring at the other end.

Firstly I can't argue that our midfielders have developed well. Song has been a rock, Diaby has played much better on the whole despite still frustrating on occasions, Denilson has been good and terrible, Eastmond has shown early promise.

The problem with Arsene's words is that a big problem with our midfield is the fact that other than Song, they don't tend to help the defence out much. This means that when Song is out, our midfield is cut through a bit like a knife through butter.

Part of this problem with our defensively weak midfield is due to personnel, there is no experienced defensive cover for Song, Diaby is no defensive player and Denilson cannot defend. Part of it is related to our formation of 4-3-3 and if we have too many attacking players we are left rather exposed by our lack of defensive help from the midfield, we often play five attacking players in the starting eleven which can leave the balance of the side all wrong.

Part of it is due to our tactical naivety and the fact that we only have one way of playing. This is a bit of a double edged sword, I shall explain. We can only play pretty possession football, because of our defensive weakness we are unable to sit back, absorb pressure and play on the counter. This means that we are often stuffed by conceding a cheap early goal, then the opposition can sit back and kill us on the break, we have lost the ability to do precisely this to the opposition ourselves as our great double winning sides used to do so effectively and regularly.

Arsene's words worry me because midfield has been part of the problem, when we need to shut up shop and defend with men behind the ball, for example at two nil up against Wigan, we have been found wanting time and time again. We have only one way of playing and that is attacking with lots of possession. We need to be able to defend better, sometimes tactically it would be better to play a counter attacking game, sometimes when the passing is not going well you need to be able to grind out a clean sheet.

Fundamentally we need the whole team including the strikers to defend better as a unit when we need to grind out a result. The defensive weakness we have shown this season has been multi factorial, but there are clear weaknesses regarding the personnel in both the defense and the midfield. We clearly need new blood in at the back, this is obvious. However does anyone seriously believe that a squad with these midfielders has enough balance in terms of defensive grit: Diaby, Song, Denilson, Cesc, Nasri, Ramsey, Rosicky. For me the balance is wrong, it is not just about improving 'defensive efficiency', the squad as a whole needs reworking from a defensive point of view, if this is not done then we will simply be watching the same mistakes all over again next season.

We could do worse than Hangeland

Watching Roy Hodgson's magnificent Fulham side dispose of Hamburg on Thursday night, I took a brief peek at Brede Hangeland and he did not disappoint. In all honesty I have not seen enough of him to give a definitive judgement, but there is no doubt that he does possess some of the ingredients that we lack at the back.

He leads the team, he talks, he is commanding in the air and he dominates. Physically he is powerful and will not often be out muscled. He knows the Premier League and he has done well at a European level. He passes the ball very nicely for a big man. He may not have the speed of some but you can't have it all, very few 6 foot 5 centre backs have lightning pace, but he is certainly no slouch. Of course he'd occasionally be skinned by the trickiest players, but frankly which centre back isn't?

Hangeland and Vermaelen could be a very very decent combination. Hangeland is also in his prime, he is 28 and will improve into his early thirties, he is also experienced. The word on the street suggest that if Arsene were to move for Mr Hangeland, he would be keen to come to the Arsenal, I would suggest that this could be a very decent move for both parties.