Joan Laporta exclusive

Sources close to this blog can exclusively reveal that Joan Laporta's wife has some very harsh things to say about her husband. His wife started off with some very blunt words about the size of Joan's maggot sized manhood:

"It is very small, when I first unveiled his little fella I had to first clear the small forest of hair before I could see the true extent of Joan's weener, then again he does have a woman's name so it really isn't that surprising and it is quite big for a clitoris"

She then went on to reveal just why she had tied the knot with this repulsive greedy individual:

"Well it's certainly not his looks or personality, he works hard and brings home a lot of money, the fact that he works so hard also means that I very rarely have to see his unpleasant face or smell his odious aroma"

Then moving onto talk about Joan's strange habits of behaving like an utter c*nt and always trying to get exactly what he wants the way he wants it, she said:

"The other day we went out for dinner and Joan refused to pay the price on the menu for his steak, he thought it was only worth half as much. However when the chef came out and threatened to retrieve the unpaid half of the steak from his stomach with a large blunt knife, Joan pissed his pants and paid up"

Those final comments from Joan's wife explain why Joan is behaving like such a c*nt regarding Cesc Fabregas. As Joan Laporta publicly thanks Cesc for openly declaring he wants to join Barca, incidentally something Cesc has never done, I would like to publicly say thanks to Joan Laporta for being a complete and utter c*nt. Joan, my message for you is pay up or shut up you contemptible piece of sh*t.

Cesc bottom line: still a Gooner

I got a fair amount of abuse for my recent piece slagging off the media for the rumours on Cesc's future, some people seemed to think that Cesc going to Barca was a done deal. It appears that Cesc is still an Arsenal player and that Barca will definitely not be signing Cesc on the cheap. Recent comments from Cesc show him to be showing a hell of a of class:

“I will only say one thing, I have great respect for Arsene Wenger, for Arsenal football club and for the Arsenal fans. Sometimes not even in my house I felt more love than I felt at Arsenal.”

“I had a long conversation with Arsene, it was probably the greatest conversation I’ve had with someone in my life and I respect him so much and I don’t want to say too much about this.”

“He told me to concentrate on my football, he told me to concentrate on the World Cup, he told me to leave it in his hands, he will deal with whatever happens in my future and that’s what I’m doing, just concentrating on football.”

“It’s not up to me anymore and it’s just now about Arsenal and wherever it has to be and that’s it.”

It appears to me that the worst case scenario at the moment is that Arsene has told Cesc he can only leave if Barca pay a proper transfer fee. At the moment is appears highly unlikely that Barca have the money to pay what Arsenal want and that means that Cesc may well be staying put.

Obviously the media are still spinning things with headlines like 'Fabregas' frank Wenger talk reveals Arsenal exit '. However there are some rather worrying sides of the story from a Barca perspective, there is a possibility that Barca will be told to sod off whatever their offer.

One thing is clear, Cesc Fabregas is a man of class, he will not openly seek a transfer as the scoundrels from Barca would like him to do, this would make it easy for Barca to snatch him for a cut price fee. Barca have shown themselves to be a bunch of utter c*nts throughout this affair. Arsene has also come out of this with a lot of credit, not many managers have his man management skills, another thing that is clear is that he has never stood in the way of a player who wants to leave. Cesc's dad is behaving like a tool, Arsenal are not obliged to sell their captain on the cheap, long term contracts cannot just be pissed on and ignored.

We have no need to sell Cesc, he is in his prime, has several years left on his contract, we do not need the cash. The way in which they have publicly tried to unsettle the player to drop the fee is a disgrace. I suspect it will take at least 50 million to get Arsenal to talk and which doubt if the paupers from Barca with their 400million debts have got what it takes to pay a fair fee. If they don't have the money then they should shut the f*ck up.

Cesc nonsense and crying wolf

It's a bit like the boy who cried wolf, the rumour mongers and gossip lovers will often turn out to get it right every now and again, however when one looks at their overall accuracy and hit rate one should appreciate it is a bit like striking oil by drilling at random, the Cesc rumours circulating at the moment are part of this same old story. Likewise I will sometimes turn out to be wrong when I slag off all the transfer rumours, still I get it right with this approach a hell of a lot more often than the rumour mongers do. Hold tight for the moment.

One thing we know, Barca want Cesc. A second thing we know, Barca are c*nts. Putting one and two together, you can then start to see why the Spanish media is full of rehashed quotes and stories with no decent evidence to back them up. This is the case with the current Cesc story in Marca. It is baseless gossip, there is not even one made up quote, not even one source mentioned. This is most likely something planted to serve the interests of Barca and unsettled the player. Sky and many others have rehashed the same old baseless story, Cesc is 'understood' to have et cetera.

Maybe I'll turn out to look a complete and utter mug when Cesc signs for Barca next week, hopefully not. What is clear is the fact that you can believe nothing you read in the papers these days and I am surprised that so many people continue to be genuinely sucked in by their hot air. The boy who cried wolf was eventually right, still it didn't mean you should have always believed him when he screamed 'Wolf!'

Wenger a 'deluded dictator'

The title of this piece is not my opinion, they are the words of a well known self anointed 'Arsenal expert' who shall remain nameless. I will not link to his site as he does not deserve the publicity, and I am sure many of you will know exactly who I am talking about. Here are some of his most recent gems of footballing wisdom:

"Wenger no longer deserves to have Fabregas playing for him. Fabregas should leave and win 12 trophies with Barca."

"Arsenal is going nowhere under Wenger, a delusional dictator. I have no more to say about the team."

"So many other things to enjoy : music, literature, art, cricket, tennis, golf, alfresco dining and a million other pleasures and pastimes.On Saturday I was a bit knackered after 2,000 of us had a rocking Friday night with the Alabama 3 at the Forum in Kentish Town.Last Tuesday night I went with an actor friend to see One Night in Turin."

There is much worse, there has been some rather racist stuff, there has been the know-it-all stuff, and over the years it has become more and more sensationalist. The reason for this? Well, I suspect someone is getting a bit desperate, the increased sensationalism is because no one would bother reading it otherwise, it is almost the dying whimper from a rather self obsessed individual.

I suspect someone knows a lot more about art, literature and music than he does about football. I also suspect that someone has never played football at any level themselves but feels able to comment as if a world expert. Writing books does not an expert make, it makes an author, there are many good and many bad.

Maybe I just speak for myself, however I suspect I do not. I think someone would be better off stopping his Arsene Wenger and Arsenal related writing, if he himself admits he has nothing more to say then why does he not just shut up for once and for all. I have had enough of this brash, self obsessed and deeply arrogant man. Everyone is entitled to their differing opinions, however the rank lack of respect he shows to our manager is a disgrace. This individual is the Piers Morgan of the Arsenal bloggosophere, a man who thinks he knows it all, a man who shows very little respect for others, an arrogant and rather repugnant individual.

Lampard dives and Chelsea prove winning isn't everything

Chelsea have won the double and credit where credit is due, they have deserved it. Firstly their manager is a good chap and deserves a lot of credit for the way he has gone about his business this season, it has been quite out of character for Chelsea FC. Secondly in pure footballing terms they have been the best team in the country, they are hard to break down and have some top class attacking players. Anyway enough of the praise, despite their success there is a malignant undercurrent at Stamford Bridge and it has been the case ever since a certain oligarch started artificially pumping millions into this small west London club.

The way their players have gone about their business on and off the pitch this season has been a shambles to say the least, John Terry is the tip of a very very embarrassing Chelsea iceberg. In recent weeks we have seen Drogba's petulance, Lampard's squabbling and diving, Cole's niggling, Anelka's whinging, Terry's breeding and family show. This bunch will never be popular in the eyes of neutral football fans, they will never be remembered fondly as all round great players and good men, they did the former and forgot about the latter, they won things but didn't do it with class, they have shown to me and many others that there is much much more to life than simply winning things and short term achievement, the way one goes about things is infinitely important and Chelsea have forgotten this. From Abrahmovich to Kenyon, from Drogba to Cole, Chelsea have the win at all costs mentality, this is true, but at what cost?

In contrast Pompey are another story and perversely the way in which Roman's money has resulted in hyper-inflationary transfer fee and wage rises has been a big part in clubs like Portsmouth going under. Of course they also have themselves to blame for some woeful financial mismanegement. The Chelseas and Man Cities of this world have chucked millions around and it comes at a price, other clubs have tried to compete, but the results are unsustainable and many clubs are dying as a result. Arguably the game we love is a at risk of losing its heart, its soul, as a result of this wanton spending at the top.

Surely something must be down to stop the unsustainable loss making spending that some clubs are engaging in, the beauty of winning is being lost, winning at any cost does not make sense for the long term interests of the game. Chelsea may be thriving but the game we love is not, clubs with big hearts and great fans like Pompey are withering away before our very eyes. So this year Chelsea win the double, but they continue to make massive losses, while record numbers of clubs go into administration, is it just me who thinks something is going badly wrong here? For me everything come at a price, winning is not the be all and end all, the process is all important, if we lost sight of this fact then we will have a game left but it will have no soul, and a game with no soul is lifeless.

Gallas concerns and the not concerned

It has been long known that William Gallas is a bit of an odd one, it has also been well documented that he has had serious problems getting on with some of his team mates, Samir Nasri's comments from the Sun add fuel to this fire:

"I don't communicate with him, but I'm not the only one at Arsenal who doesn't have any communication with him. We are four or five, but that doesn't stop us fighting for each other on the pitch."

This must have been obvious to the manager for some time. I have to disagree with Samir Nasri on this not affecting the team's spirit and fight, it is obvious that a team made up of players who get on well with each other is more likely to succeed than a team made up of players who do not get on. Gallas should not be offered a new contract in my opinion, the man is trouble and does not complement Vermaelen. We need a new partner for TV and we should not ignore such dressing room clashes, it is madness to have players getting on so badly. Adebayor's departure clearly helped, I feel Gallas' departure would be more of the same.

As I mentioned the other day, the Cesc rumours were complete and utter nonsense. The quotes made no sense and were openly contradictory. Do not pay any attention to this unsubstantiated gutter journalism. Seeing as I'm ignoring transfer rumours this summer, I'll leave it there and wish Pompey good luck this afternoon, I am sure the whole country will be behind them other than a few drug dealers and shop lifters.

The talks is there, now for some action, and well done Fulham FC

It's hard to disagree with Arsene's recent thoughts on the season gone:

"If you divide the season into two – going forward we have done very well but defensively we have been average....When you concede 40 goals you don't win the championship and I want to rectify that. My transfer policy this summer will be to keep our strengths going forward, add one player, and add more defensive strength to our team."

Among the players linked are Breda Hangeland and Pape Diakhate, I am sure these are just guesses though, I doubt that many people know who Arsene has his eye on. Interestingly and thankfully Bob Wilson is pretty sure a top class experienced keeper is on Arsene's shopping list.

Overall I think we need to get rid of a keeper, bring in one top class keeper with experience. We need a minimum of one experienced centre back who is first team ready. Silvestre is off, greedy Gallas is as good as gone, so even with Djourou back I think we need at least one, arguably two more centre backs, it also depends if big Sol is keen to stay for another year. Hangeland is a solid contender in my eyes, he ticks a lot of the boxes in terms of experience, strength, ability on the ball and leadership. Chamakh gives us more striking options and I would be very surprised if one of Eduardo/Vela did not leave. Several other players must be also rather close to the exit door. We should not forget some of the great talent we have coming through from the youth setup in the form of Gibbs, Wilshere, Bartley, JET, Lansbury, Frimpong, Eastmond, Szcezny et al

Personally I find all the transfer rumour is a bit tedious, so I won't be indulging in much of it here, just a few bits and bobs as I see fit. Useless stories like this Cesc one predominate, the quotes make no sense and are completely contradictory, we should rise above this guff and take most of it with a pinch of salt. I will concentrate on exposing idiocy and following the actual footballing action going on this summer, including the World Cup. Speaking of the World Cup, it looks very open, Spain must be the favourites but with several of their key men lacking fitness, it could be a very open competition indeed, the likes of Italy and Argentina may be decent outside bets.

Finally a word for Fulham who did the country proud last night. They were very unlucky to go down to Atletico in the end, the manner of the defeat was particularly painful and must have been very hard to take for all Fulham fans. They were magnificent, despite playing against a team of better players, they showed just what commitment and teamwork can make up for, their work ethic and togetherness combined with their great resilience is an example some of our own players could do well to learn from. Roy Hodgson has done a wonder job at the cottage, he has made a team that is far greater than the sum of its parts, this is the mark of a truly outstanding manager. Well done and Fulham FC, you did us all proud last night, it's a great shame you didn't get the icing on your cake.